


Memento Mori

by MercuryMuse



Series: Bad Things Happen Bingo (BTHB) [3]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sparrow Academy (Umbrella Academy), Alzheimer's Disease, Dementia, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt Number Five | The Boy, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Memory Loss, Number Five | The Boy Has Issues, Number Five | The Boy Needs A Hug, Number Five | The Boy Whump, Number Five | The Boy has PTSD, Number Five | The Boy-centric, Protective Allison Hargreeves, Protective Diego Hargreeves, Protective Klaus Hargreeves, Really Heavy Angst, Suicidal Thoughts, This is not a happy ride people, seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-16 04:06:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29201058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MercuryMuse/pseuds/MercuryMuse
Summary: Against all odds, the Hargreeves manage to successfully travel back to 2019, and together they slowly settle back into everyday life. Unfortunately for Five, things take an unexpected turn when he is diagnosed with early-onset dementia.Bad Things Happen Bingo (BTHB): Memory Loss
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy & Allison Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Diego Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Klaus Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & The Hargreeves (Umbrella Academy)
Series: Bad Things Happen Bingo (BTHB) [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2192187
Comments: 43
Kudos: 170





	Memento Mori

**Author's Note:**

> My knowledge of dementia and Alzheimer's disease has come from research, and from what I have personally encountered within my family. 
> 
> Warnings: Memory loss, Dementia, Alzheimer's disease, Suicidal thoughts, Implied/referenced suicide, Implied character death (Not explicit, just implied)
> 
> Bad Things Happen Bingo (BTHB): Memory Loss
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr at: https://fudgemutt.tumblr.com/

He landed on his knees, the exposed skin between his shorts and socks smarting as they scraped across cobbles. The air is damp and heavy, and it’s raining - he can feel the cold droplets against his flushed cheeks, his eyelashes clumping together uncomfortably.

He wiped a sleeve roughly across his face to clear his vision. In his other arm, he clutched the three books he’d checked out of Argyle public library only a few minutes prior. He blinked down at them numbly, watching as the rain soaked into the pages and ran down the protective plastic sleeves stretched across their covers.

The landscape around him was a dreary scene of grey, grey, and even more grey. He appeared to be in some sort of city square, which was thankfully sparsely populated due to the weather. The buildings stretched up above him with their symmetrical and austere facades, dotted occasionally with small wrought-iron balconies decorated with potted plants. The cobbles were slick and shiny from the water, digging uncomfortably into his legs from where he was still kneeling on them.

The rain was falling more heavily now, soaking through his blazer and plastering his hair down against his scalp. The books were definitely a lost cause; the library wasn’t going to be happy with him, especially considering he managed to lose one only the other week.

A shadow fell across his him and the downpour abruptly stopped, a neat pair of black leather loafers appearing into his eyeline.

“Est-ce que ça va?”

He blinked up at the man standing over him, eyes narrowing in suspicion, but a quick once-over confirmed that he wasn’t a threat. Mid-40’s, slightly portly, neatly dressed in a dark suit, and holding a large umbrella over him. Yet despite the style of dressing there was a distinct lack of a briefcase, and the man held the air of a tired office worker rather than someone from the Commission.

“Est-ce que ça va?” The man repeated, his face softening in concern as he offered a hand down to him. “Tu t’es fait mal?” 

It was only then that his muddled brain made sense of the words coming out of his mouth. Not so much the actual words themselves, but the language. _French?_

The man shuffled on the spot and readjusted his grip on the umbrella. His dark eyes flickered over the covers of the soggy books clutched in his arms, and then a dawning look of realisation crossed his face.

“English?” He asked in a heavily accented voice. “Speak English?”

Five’s breath caught in his throat, and he could feel the beginnings of panic starting to constrict in his chest. It must have shown on his face, because the man grasped him by the bicep and hauled him up to his feet his ease, patting him comfortingly on the shoulder. He caught sight of his bloodied knees and tutted disapprovingly.

“The cobbles are very slippery when wet. You need better shoes” He frowned, “Parent’s nearby? I take you to them”

He opened his voice to reply, but his brain short-circuited and all that came out with a strangled noise of alarm. He swore he’d only just left the library; it was a Friday, and once a week he’d pop by and drop off his finished books, picking up some new ones. He’d made his selection, he’d checked them out, and then he jumped over Griddy’s Doughnuts for a coffee. Only he hadn’t made it over to Griddy’s.

“Are you feeling okay? You look unwell” The man reached out a hand and went to place it on his forehead, but Five pushed it away and spun on his heels, taking off down the street and ignoring the man’s calls behind him.

The street widened out into a large pedestrianised area dotted with people huddled under umbrellas, clutching their coats tightly around their bodies against the weather. There was a wide bridge in front of him spanning across a fast-flowing river, and through the haze of rain he could just make out the distinctive spindly spire of Notre Dame.  
  


* * *

  
The rain eases into a pathetic drizzle after a couple of hours, and Five watches it all from the doorway of a closed bookshop. The entrance is small, but it’s recessed slightly, which allows him to hide from both the world and the worst of the weather.

His whole body is uncomfortably damp and numb. His hair has started to dry, and he can tell from the flyaways in his peripheral vision that it’s frizzy. His blazer smells awful too, in the way wool does when it gets wet, but he knows that mom can work her magic and dry-clean it.

Paris.

_Paris._

He exhaled shakily, pressing the heels of his palms against his eyes hard enough to see stars. He hadn’t jumped like this since he was a child; when he was seven and miscalculated his equations, ending up in Mexico City of all places. Dad was furious when he arrived to collect him, and the whole ordeal resulted in him taking on extra training for a month.

It was a mistake that had hadn’t made since. Until today.

He’d made the journey from the library to Griddy’s hundreds of times, it had got to the point where he knew the calculations off by heart – heck, he could probably jump there in his sleep. But Paris? How had he managed to get them so wrong he’d jumped himself not only to the wrong city but the wrong country entirely?

He hates to admit it, but for the first time in years, he’s scared.

He’s exhausted and wet and confused and he wants nothing more than to be back home with his siblings. He’d tried to run through the calculations mentally, but his brain was feeling oddly hazy and muddled. So instead he’d managed to find a dry page in one of the books and was currently scrawling on that; there was no way he was going to try and get home without checking things over, not after what had just happened.

It was around midday when he left, and Paris was six hours ahead, and then he’d probably spent two hours in the doorway. So, that meant it was around 8pm in Paris and 2pm back home. He’d told Allison he’d only be an hour at the library, she was going to be so worried. 

He scanned the calculations on his page one last time and nodded with satisfaction when everything seemed correct. The area was relatively quiet seeing as it was now evening, but it was probably best if he returned to the pedestrianised square from earlier to jump back as it would be away from nosy onlookers.   
  


* * *

  
He stumbled out in an alleyway across from the academy, his whole body feeling raw and hollow. He can feel the exhaustion pulling at both his limbs and eyelids from the amount of energy the jump had used, but something sugary and a cup of coffee would help to rectify that. He made it across the road and paused to catch his breath, and for a few minutes, all he has the energy to do is stand in front of the gates and stare up at the door. 

“Five?” A voice called, and he turned to find Diego and Luther standing on the sidewalk to his left, staring at him like they couldn’t quite believe he was there. Diego exhaled with relief and jogged his way over, gripping his shoulders tightly and scrutinising him at arm’s length.

“Jesus Christ Five, we’ve been looking for you everywhere” He hissed angrily, but his eyes are wild and concerned as they slid over his body. “Fucking hell dude, what the hell happened? Why are your knees all bloody?”

 _I jumped and ended up in Paris, I was stuck and scared,_ he wants to say. 

“Leave me alone” Is what comes out instead.

“No way” Diego said immediately, the grip on his shoulders tightening. “Come on, let's get you inside, the other’s will be glad to know you’re back. Allison's been ringing up everywhere she can think of”

Luther awkwardly held the door open as they walked inside, and he’s immediately swamped by the others who descend upon him like vultures on prey. The room suddenly feels too small. His head is spinning.

“Why are you so wet?” Allison said as she wrangled him out of his blazer, draping it over the back of a chair. “Seriously Five, what the hell? You head off the library and then vanish without telling us, we thought something happened to you. You said that you’d only be an hour”

“I wasn't gone long, I just got held up” He answered defensively.

“Stop evading the question. What happened?” She bit back immediately.

“That’s none of your concern”

“Of course it’s our concern!” She said shrilly, and he shrunk back at the sudden volume of her voice. “We searched for you everywhere you idiot. Can’t you at least try to be a little more grateful”

“I’m a fully grown adult, I don’t need to ask for your permission whenever I want to go anywhere”

“You look like a kid, and the receptionist at the library told us you left, and I was worried tha-”

“I’m not Claire” He hissed. “I’m not your child, don’t try to mother me just because you can’t be there for her”

Allison stared at him with shock for a few seconds, her eyes filling with tears, and Five pushed himself away from her to retreat to the safety of a quiet room.  
  


* * *

  
“You need a hand?”

Five looked up from the first aid kit and stared at the figure of his sister standing in the kitchen doorway.

“I thought you’d be going home” He frowned.

“I’m going to stay here for the night” She shrugged.

“I’m fine, you know, you don’t have to stay because you’re worried about me” He replied, twisting his leg slightly to get a better look at his knee.

Allison sighed and crossed the room, dragging a chair up in front of him and dropping onto it with a sigh. She wordlessly pulled the first aid kit nearer and started rummaging around in it. “What happened?”

“Hmm?”

“What happened earlier?” She repeated, soaking some cotton wool with surgical spirit. “And are you okay, you seem a little out of it”

“I just got in a scuffle outside the library. And I’m fine, just tired” He said, wincing as she gently wiped the dried blood from his knees.

She gave him a knowing look, the one she gave anyone when she knew they were lying, but otherwise dropped the subject. “I’m sorry about earlier by the way, I know you’re not Claire. I was just worried, you know. I think I’m still a bit jumpy about the Commission. Funny that, four months back and I’m still worried”

“Herb’s in charge now, I don’t think the Commission will be a worry anymore” He said, watching as she carefully smeared antiseptic cream across the grazes. “And I’m sorry too for what I said, that was uncalled for. You don’t mother me – in fact, I think you’re one of the few who don’t”

“No hard feelings” Allison said, giving him a smile. “And you know you can talk to me, right?”

“I know” He said truthfully.  
  


* * *

  
Five hates to admit it, but he’s nervous about spatial jumping. He’d been practising in the old academy training rooms with success; jumping from one side to the other. But when he tried a longer jump to Gimbel’s department store to visit Dolores, he’d somehow ended up the other side of the city. 

He'd written down the calculations and checked over them multiple times, and they appeared to be correct. Jumping with them down in front of him seemed fine, but it was when he used his mental calculations where things seemed to go a bit wonky. It was almost as if his brain was struggling to comprehend them.

The worst were his siblings. Ever since he got back from Paris, they’d been fussing over him, and if there was something Five hated the most, it was people trying to meddle in his business.  
  


* * *

  
He manages a total of three weeks before he admits that might need some additional help with the whole situation.

“I’m not okay” He said one morning.

Allison paused and glanced at him over the top of her magazine. It was Sunday and pleasantly sunny, and the whole family had gathered at the academy to make the most of it. He could hear Diego and Klaus bickering in the courtyard, their voices filtering into the room through the open window. The scene was domestic in a way that made his chest tighten.

“We figured” Allison said quietly, setting her magazine aside. “What’s wrong? You know we said we’d help you out”

“That's the thing, I don’t know what’s wrong” He sighed with frustration. “I can’t explain it, but something isn’t quite right. And I don’t know what to do. I think I need to see someone”

"A therapist?" She nodded gently. "You know there's no harm in seeing on, I'm sure that we can get you booked in with Vanya's" 

Five frowned, he didn't think a therapist would help him with what he needed; a therapist wouldn't be able to examine his cognitive functions. "I think I might need to see a doctor"

“Of course, I’ll book you in for an appointment” Allison said.  
  


* * *

  
Doctor’s appointments turn into hospital visits, and hospital visits turn into neurology consultations. Which lead him to today; sat in an uncomfortable plastic chair with Allison seated in the one adjacent. The neurologist’s words start to merge into stilted snippets. He feels numb.

_Early-onset dementia. Early Stages. Memory Loss. Coordination issues._

Allison is crying silently next to him, tears running down her cheeks and sparkling like constellations in the sky. He wants to cry. He should cry. But strangely he can’t bring himself to. 

“It’s exceedingly rare in someone so young, however it isn’t unheard of” The neurologist continues in a voice far too measured and even for the weight of them. “Of course, dementia is an umbrella term for a variety of different causes, with Alzheimer’s being the most common. We can do some additional tests to determine the underlying cause”

“Dementia” Allison said vacantly.

“Yes” He said gently, “We’ll need to do some further tests to determ-”

“I don’t want that” Five said.

The neurologist looked a little shellshocked, nervously glancing at him from his monitor, hands paused over the keyboard. “I’m sorry?

“I don’t want to have further tests” Five elaborated. “There’s nothing that can be done to rectify the situation, so I don’t feel that would be of any use”

“Five, it’s okay. I’ll cover everything” Allison said, reaching out and squeezing his hand.

“It’s not about the money” He replied, lips pursed.

“Of course it’s down to the patient” He nodded understandingly. “But seeing as you are under the age of eighteen, your guardian would also have a say in any potential tests that we feel would help to provide more insight into your situation”

Five swallowed thickly and ground his teeth together in irritation, fingers curling into fists underneath the table. He'd never hated looking like a child more than now. Allison hummed sympathetically and ran her thumb over his knuckles gently.

“You know that I wouldn’t make you do anything you didn’t want to” She said softly.

He nodded numbly as his chest tightened, the room spinning.

“We’ll get in touch with you regarding potential avenues to investigate” The neurologist continued, typing something into the computer before rising from his chair. “I’ll just go get the paperwork for you, it should be printed off”

“Thank you” Allison nodded as he walked past and closed the door behind him. She sighed and ran a hand through her hair, giving him a sideways glance. “I would ask if you’re okay, but I think we all know the answer to that”

Five chuckled humourlessly, staring at the obnoxious cartoon animal decals pasted to the walls. The room looked more like a children’s nursery than a professional consolation room, but then he supposed this was the paediatrics ward.

“Is there anything I can do?” She asked softly.

“Can you tell the others?” He replied, hating how wobbly and high his voice sounded.

“Sure thing” She murmured, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and pulling him against her side, and Five let himself be held.  
  


* * *

  
He awakes to the sound of crockery clinking and muffled chattering, which is strange, because the academy was usually fairly quiet in the morning. There just him, Luther, and Klaus living at home now, alongside mom and Pogo of course. Diego went straight back to the boiler room when they got back, and Vanya went back to her apartment to continue teaching. While Allison decided to rent a small but lavish apartment only a few blocks away, so she was close to the academy, but also the airport so she could travel to see Claire.

So he was used to relative quietness, well, as quiet as the academy could be with Klaus.

He stifled a yawn and briefly contemplated showering, but instead stuffed his feet into his slippers and made his way downstairs to investigate the noise. Although he promptly wished he hadn’t, as the occupants fell into tense silence the moment he walks into the room.

“I’m guessing Allison’s told you” He says as a greeting, helping himself to some of the coffee from the cafetiere.

“Uh, yeah” Luther said awkwardly.

“Good” He nodded, swallowing a mouthful and letting the taste wash around his mouth, anything to prolong having this conversation.

“It’s not good though,” Diego said, his voice low. “Actually it’s pretty fucking awful bro”

He turned and leant back against the worktop, peering at them over the top of his cup. He shrugged, already regretting that he hadn’t taken the time to get ready first. He felt incredibly vulnerable stood there with his pyjamas and his sleep-mussed hair.

“Aren’t you going to say anything?” Diego continued.

“What is there to say?”

“I don’t know-” Diego stammered, throwing his hands up in exasperation, “J-just something!”

“What do you want me to say?” He hissed, eyes narrowing. “That I’m going to become a shell of my former self? That I’ll probably get to the point where I can’t even remember my own name? That after the apocalypse and the Commission and the whole Dallas fiasco, that I’ve now got to deal with this?”

“Five-” Vanya started quietly.

“That I thought I’d finally get a chance to, you know, actually relax for once? That I can fix all the shit we’ve been through, but I can’t fix this?" He paused to blink back stinging of his eyes, and continued in a quiet voice, "What if I forget who you are?”

“You won’t” Vanya said with determination, and he was overwhelmed by the amount of love in her gaze. “You won’t forget us Five, and we’ll deal with this together, as a family. You’re not alone”

"Yeah, you're stuck with us" Klaus gave him a watery smile, "We've been through a lot of shit, so what's more to add to the pile?"

"We've stopped two apocalypses, so we can do this" Allison nodded. 

"I even went by the library and got some books too. They even had some leaflets" Diego nodded, patting the small pile on the table next to him. 

"You went into a library willingly?" He said thickly. 

"Only for you" Diego winked. And maybe their optimism was infectious, because he couldn't help but give them a small but genuine smile. 

"Thank you, I appreciate it"  
  


* * *

  
There’s a strange woman standing in the hallway when he makes his way downstairs. She’s plainly dressed and holds herself in a way that speaks of self-consciousness, but the fond smile on her face and the way she’s talking to Klaus suggests that they’re close. He wasn’t told that there would be a guest joining them for dinner, but Klaus had recently picked up a job at a quaint café down the road, so it was probably one of his numerous co-worker friends.

“Finally come down for dinner, huh?” Allison said in lieu of a greeting, although he can tell she’s joking from the quirk of her lips.

“Hello to you too,” He said blankly, and then nodded to the woman standing with Klaus. “I wasn’t told there would be a guest joining us”

That was obviously the wrong thing to say, because the cheery chatter of the room immediately fizzled out into shocked silence, and the woman looked utterly devastated.

“What?” He pressed.

“It’s me,” The woman said slowly, tentatively, and then added, “Vanya”

He froze and looked at her. Really looked at her. Observed the way her brown hair fell around her face, the way she curled her hands awkwardly in the sleeves of her too-long shirt, the way she shifted on the spot from the intensity of his gaze. His heart constricted at the sight of her.

Of course it was Vanya. His sister who was coming for Saturday night family dinner.

“Did you do something with your hair?” He asked, his voice coming out oddly shaky. “I almost didn’t recognise you”

“Yeah, I got a haircut” Vanya answered, giving him a tight smile to cover the lie.  
  


* * *

  
“What’s wrong?”

Klaus glanced at him sheepishly.

“Come on, spit it out. I can practically hear you thinking, it’s annoying” He said, prodding at his frosted flakes with his spoon and watching as they bobbed around in the milk, going soggy.

“Are you worried?” Klaus said quickly.

Five cocked his head to one side and reached for his thermos, sipping at the coffee within. They were easier to hold than mugs, and there was less chance of him spilling the contents if his muscles decided to play up. And he had to admit it was rather nice to have a constant supply of hot coffee. Too often he forgot a mug, and there was nothing worse than lukewarm coffee in his opinion.

“I guess” He shrugged.

“You guess?” Klaus echoed with a chuckle. “If I were you I’d be fucking terrified”

“I mean, I’ve had a good life” He added. “Been places, seen stuff, done things. We stopped the apocalypse, I’m glad about that”

Klaus furrowed his eyebrows, his eyes going a little sad. “There’s more to life than stopping the apocalypse, old man. I mean, do you have anything on your bucket list you’d like to do? You know, hire a stripper? Go wild and go off on a road trip?”

“I don’t want a stripper” Five shot him a withering look.

“Okay, road trip it is. Where do you want to go? I've always fancied going to Italy”

“I don’t want to go on a road trip either” He said, and then promptly paused with thought.

“Ah, you’re thinking! Come on, where do you want to go?” Klaus grinned around a mouthful of cereal. 

“It’s stupid” Five mumbled.

“I’m sure it’s not stupid” Klaus said, looking at him softly.

“Do you remember when we used to sneak out as kids, and we’d go over to Griddy’s and eat doughnuts until we puked?”

“Oh godddd” Klaus drawled, waving a hand in his direction. “I still can’t eat raspberry-filled without gagging. Even thinking about it makes my stomach churn”

“I want to do that again”

Klaus paused and looked at him thoughtfully.

“I mean, I know that we can’t all get together and do it, people have their own lives of course. But I want to do that again, eat so many doughnuts that I feel like I’m gonna throw up” He said, feeling a little flustered. It was so stupid. _So stupid_. But that day held so many good memories for him.

Klaus shrugged and dropped his spoon in his bowl with an audible splash, giving him a cheeky smile. “Okie dokie dear bro, go get changed out your PJ’s and I’ll drive us over. I didn't get this driving licence for nothing”

“What, now?” Five asked, glancing up at the clock. The numbers 9:15am stared back at him. “Isn’t it a bit early for sweet food?”

“Time’s a construct. Now go shower” Klaus snorted, and Five rolled his eyes as he slid off the chair.

And well, he had to admit that it was rather nice to spending time with his brother, who was currently sat in the booth opposite him, the table in front of them covered with an array of doughnuts. The waitress had given them a baffled look when they placed their order, but if he was being honest, Five was beyond caring at this point. Griddy’s was under new management, but it still retained that aged and slightly worn appeal, minus the gunshot holes of course. It was nostalgia contained within four walls, and the whole place felt warm and comforting.

“Which one have you got? I’ve got chocolate orange” Klaus asked.

Five furrowed his brow and glanced down at the half-eaten one in his hand. “I think I’ve got something fruity. You know, that red fruit with the seeds”

“Strawberry?” Klaus offered.

“That’s the one” He nodded, taking another bite. It wasn’t his favourite flavour, but it was better than the one he’d eaten prior. He licked the jam off his lips and peered up at his brother, who was watching him with a look he couldn’t quite decipher. “Hey, do you think that when I die, you’ll see me?”

“Don’t say that” Klaus said quietly.

“I’m actually interested. I mean, as the expert on dead people, you would know what happens to people when they die. When Ben died you could see him”

Klaus twisted his fingers in the napkin on the table, his eyes clouded over with sadness. Five frowned, hating that he’d managed to put such an expression on his face. He’d never been one to mince his words, but it seemed like as the months progressed, his brain to mouth filter was starting to fail.

“I mean. I’ve been wondering that when I die, would you be able to see me? I’m not that clued up on the logistics of how it all works” He tried again in a gentler tone, and was relieved to see the edge of tension leave his brother’s body.

“I don’t want you to do that” Klaus said.

“Because you don’t want me hanging around and correcting you when you’re wrong? I could imagine that would get tiring”

“Because you shouldn’t be trapped living through another person” Klaus corrected. He reached out and placed a hand over his, his fingers were sticky from the doughnut icing, but the gesture was appreciated nevertheless. “Ben used to talk to me about how difficult it was for him, to watch the world around him move while he was tethered to me”

Five mulled over the words as he reached for another doughnut with his free hand, this time one with lemon icing and yellow sprinkles. He must have eaten ten of them by now, and his stomach was starting to protest.

“Of course, it’s your decision, and I think you know what’s best for you” Klaus squeezed his hand before withdrawing it. “From what Ben said, when he died there was a light, and he chose to stay instead of going into it. I don’t know where that light takes you though, sorry I can’t be more help”

“Hmm” Five hummed thoughtfully, his mouth filled with the taste of artificial lemon, he _definitely_ didn’t like the lemon ones. “Do you think there’s a heaven?”

“I don’t know” Klaus said truthfully.

“Heaven is illogical,” Five said. “But I think I can understand why people find comfort in it. If I were to believe in something, reincarnation would be a good one, that when you died you’re reborn back into the world. I know that I said that I’ve had a good life, but if I’m being honest, I wish I had another chance at it”

“Don’t cry” Klaus said softly.

“I’m not”

“You are” Klaus reached across the table and cupped his face in his hands, wiping his sticky thumbs gently across his cheeks. And when he pulled back, they were wet with tears. “Please don’t cry, I’m being serious here, you’ll set me off. And what a sight we’d make, the two of us crying over a table of doughnuts”

“It’s a shitty diner Klaus, I’m sure they’ve seen stranger things” He said, sniffing and rubbing the back of his hand across his eyes. The tiniest thing seemed to set him off these days, he hated it. “I’m sorry for crying, I don’t know what’s got into me”

“You shouldn’t apologise for your feelings”

“When did you get so wise? Is it a cult thing?”

“It’s was an alternative spiritual community, not a cult. And I’ve always been wise” Klaus winked. He placed his doughnut back down on the plate and reached for his soda, sipping at it delicately and looking a touch green around the edges. “Well, I think I’m going to have to stop here. I made it to eleven, how many did you manage?”

“Twelve” He said, wishing he’d stopped at his sixth.

“Damn, I don’t know how you managed to squeeze it all in you, you’re only a tiny thing. Do you feel like you’re gonna puke?” Klaus grinned.

“Yeah”

“Was it worth it?”

“Totally” He smiled.  
  


* * *

  
Allison looked achingly beautiful on the stage in front of him. The apricot coloured dress made her look radiant, and she was sporting a new hairdo; shaved sides with the middle left long and dyed blonde. There was a wide smile on her face, the kind of smile that was all gleaming teeth and overwhelming delight.

His sister had decided to dabble in the world of theatre, stating that she wanted something different from the typecast roles she was getting in the film industry. It was some kind of performance based on the life and work of Alexander Hamilton, done through a combination of acting and singing.

 _It's a musical,_ she’d said as she handed him a ticket to her debut performance, _and I want you to be there for me._

He wasn’t quite sure if he understood the concept of a musical, and he wasn’t going to pretend that he enjoyed them spontaneously bursting into song. But there was no denying that Allison could sing, and she was easily the most talented person standing on that stage in front of him.

“She’s good isn’t she?” Luther said quietly from his left. “She’s been practising for ages, it’s good to see it all pay off”

“She’s amazing” He agreed, glad that he’d decided to come along, even if musicals weren’t his thing.

He stands and claps with the rest of the audience at the end, swept up in the euphoria of it all.  
  


* * *

  
“Umm…I’m sorry to interrupt, but are you-”

“Allison Hargreeves?” Allison said, raising an amused eyebrow.

“Uh, yes” The girl stammered, nervously tucking hair behind her ear. “I’m sorry, you must get approached like this all the time, and you’re trying to enjoy your meal. But I just want to say that I’m a massive fan”

“Oh” Allison perked up, flushing with embarrassment but looking pleased, nevertheless. “Well, that makes me really happy to hear that”

“Can I…umm…can I have an autograph?” She continued.

“Sure” Allison nodded, she leant across the table and before he could even comprehend what was happening, yanked Five’s notepad out from his hands.

“Hey” He grumbled.

“Oh shut it” Allison rolled her eyes as she nabbed his pen as well. She ripped a page out of the notepad’s plastic spiral binding, uncapping the pen. “What’s your name?”

“Elizabeth Freeman” The girl beamed. “I think I’ve watched all your films, I’m a massive fan! I’m still at school at the moment, but I’m going to college soon and I’m studying acting”

“Well Elizabeth” Allison began, signing her name with a flourish and passing the paper to her. “All the best of luck with your college adventures”

“Oh god, thank you so much!” The girl gushed, clutching the paper to her chest and giving an awkward but happy wave over her shoulder as she made her way back out the restaurant.

“Maybe we shouldn’t have got a window seat” Vanya remarked as the door swung shut.

“I think it’s kinda cute, you know, to be such an inspiration to someone” Klaus said, “I just can’t believe that dear sis is a bigshot now. Actually thinking about, I can believe it”

“It’s nothing” Allison waved a hand bashfully, handing the notepad back to Five. He gave it a quick once over and was glad to see that all his calculations were still there.

“Says the woman whose schedule is so full we had to wait three months to actually see you in person” Diego snorted, turning his attention back to his food.

“I’m sorry that it’s taken so long” She replied sadly.

“No worries” Diego shrugged, chewing on his pizza “You’re busy, it’s not like we can see each over all the time. Besides, now you’re rich you can buy us gifts when you feel guilty”

“You’re a pain” Allison hissed as she kicked Diego playfully under the table.

Five snorted at their childish antics, rolling his eyes and turning back to his notepad. He’d been wondering if he could simplify some of his calculations into shorter, and therefore more manageable chunks so he could dabble in spatial jumping again. Only short trips though; to Griddys, to the library, maybe to Vanya’s place too.

“Long time no see”

He froze, his blood running cold. No. _No._

“How rude, you are just going to ignore me?” A disappointed tutter. “And here I thought we were friends”

“We were never friends” He hissed, glancing up at her. The Handler was dressed up to the nines as usual, in her blood-red wiggle dress and matching stilettos. She frowned, walking the short distance over to the table, and the sound of her shoes on the floor was deafening to his ears.

“I thought you died” He said, eyes narrowing.

“Oh come on Five” She cooed, reaching over and grasping her chin in her hand, her nails pinching into his skin. He jerked his head out of her grip. “You really think you can get rid of me that quickly? I thought you were more intelligent than that”

He glanced nervously around the table, seeing his siblings looking back at him with pale faces. And god, he needed to do something quick, he needed to get her away from them, he needed to get her away from everyone in this restaurant. He had to admit it was ballsy for her to approach him in such a public place.

“Why don’t we talk outside?” He asked, slowly reaching down and patting his pocket, cursing when he felt it was empty. He’d forgotten that his siblings had forbade him to smuggle weapons out with him.

_“What’s happening? Should we do something”_

_“The doctor warned that this might happen, just keep calm, it’ll probably pass”_

“I think I’ve got a better idea” The Handler grinned, a smile that was an equal amount of menacing and bloodthirsty. And in one fluid motion, pulled a Walther PPK pistol from the folds of her dress, aiming it across the table. She pulled the trigger and the bullet landed squarely between Klaus’ eyebrows, his body recoiling and slumping back in the seat, blood dribbling down his face.

He screamed from the shock of it, pushing himself back from the table and landing painfully on the floor. He didn’t have any weapons, but he grabbed a fork and swung an arm out towards her, relief blooming across his chest when it struck her upper arm.

_“Jesus Christ, Dieg-”_

_“I’m okay!”_

_“We need to get him outside”_

_“People are looking”_

_“Uhm…Is everything okay here? Do you want me to call for someone?”_

_“He’s fine, it’s just-”_

Five stared at the blood pooling on the ground underneath Klaus’ chair, the adrenaline pumping through his body so fast it was making his stomach churn and his head spin. He was stupid to think that the Commission would leave them alone; far too stupid. He needed to do something and quickly, before it was too late.

He balled his hands up into tight fists and clenched them, bracing himself for the pull of space and time on his body. He did it back in the barn in Dallas, and he would do it again, anything to ensure his family’s safety and wellbeing. All he needed were around twenty seconds, it would be enough for Klaus to survive, and enough for him to catch The Handler off guard. 

_“Shit, he’s going to jump”_

_“Don’t worry, I’ve got this”_

Hands grabbed his waist firmly and he gasped as he was hauled up into the air, a hand pressing his face into a juncture of a neck. He clawed at the person’s shirt, trying to press his nails into the flesh underneath, which was easier said than done when they were holding him with all their strength.

“Fucking hell Five, ease it with the clawing, you’re not a cat” Came a muttered response, followed by the sound of a door opening and the feeling over cold air on the exposed skin of his arms. The person lowered themselves down and their grip eased slightly, and Five used the opportunity to try and scramble back.

“Whoa. Hey,” The person said soothingly, gripping his forearms. “Just calm down a bit, okay? Come on dude”

Five sucked in air frantically. It felt like his whole body was thrumming with shock, his fingers itching to grab a weapon and run back inside to help his family. And Klaus was still in there, his dead brother draped across the chair.

“Klaus” He rasped out, horror spreading across his body.

“Klaus?” The person said gently. “Do you want him instead? I’m kinda wounded, do you really prefer him over me?”

Five blinked rapidly with confusion, and the frantic spinning around him slowly settled into a quiet street scene, occasionally interrupted with people walking by and giving him curious glances. He looked down, realising that he was currently sat on a wooden bench, and when he looked back up, Diego was sat opposite him.

“Diego?” He said.

“Yeah” Diego nodded slowly. “Yeah it’s me buddy, you back with me?”

“What happened?”

“I was kinda hoping you’d answer that for me” Diego chuckled.

“Klaus, is he…” He trailed off and glanced to the side, only to see the rest of his siblings sat at the window seat and doing a poor attempt at looking like they weren’t keeping an eye on him. He exhaled in relief when he saw Klaus sat there, looking the same as he did earlier, no gunshot hole in his forehead and no bloodied face.

“He’s okay” He breathed.

“Klaus is perfectly fine, well, I use that term very loosely. What happened back there, did something happen to him?”

“The Handler, she…” He trailed off, raking a hand through his hair and swallowing down the lump in his throat. “She turned up, and she shot him. And then he was dead and…”

“He’s okay” Diego said, bending down slightly into his eyeline. “The Handler wasn’t there, none of that happened”

“It was all in my head?” He asked.

“It was all in your head” Diego repeated softly.

“Oh,” He chuckled humourlessly. Now that the adrenaline rush was dissipating, he could feel he was flushing with embarrassment at the scene he'd caused. “So I’m starting to go crazy, huh?”

“You’re not crazy. Don’t say that” Diego said with a surprising amount of sternness. “They warned that this might happen, it’s just one of those things” 

“Just one of those things” Five echoed quietly, still reeling from the whole ordeal. His eyes caught on a bloody patch on Diego’s sleeve surrounding a small tear, just at the midpoint of his left upper arm.

“Oh yeah, that” Diego started. “You stabbed me with your fork dude, I really didn’t appreciate that. This is my favourite shirt”

“Sorry about that. Does it hurt?” He frowned, he really didn’t remember doing that.

“Hurt’s like a bitch, but I’ll survive” Diego snorted. He nudged him gently and quirked an eyebrow, “And don’t go telling the others I said that though, especially Luther”

“Yeah, can’t be ruining that badboy persona you’ve got going on”

“You’re such a brat” His brother muttered under his breath, leaning back to peer at the restaurant. “Hey, you want to go back in now?”

Five blanched; on one hand he wanted to go back in and enjoy some time with Allison, seeing as she was leaving for LA tomorrow. But on the other, he rather liked the peace and quiet of the outside, and the air was helping to clear his mind. “In a few more minutes”

“Cool” Diego nodded, shifting to get more settled on the bench and crossing his legs at his ankles.

“Aren’t you going to go back inside and finish your food?” He asked.

“Nah” Diego waved a hand dismissively.

“I don’t need a childminding. You do realise that-”

“You’re like 60 or something, yeah I know, you’ve said it enough times” Diego rolled his eyes with exasperation. “I’m staying because you’re my brother and despite being a little shit, I want to make sure you’re okay. Plus, that pizza wasn’t that good anyway, I’m not missing much”

Five raised an eyebrow, unconvinced. But he really did appreciate the company.   
  


* * *

  
Five had always kept his room as neat and organised as possible. He knew where his notebook was. He knew where his socks were kept. He knew where his spare pens were. If he knew where everything was, it was easier to keep track of them. Misplaced items in his room soon became misplaced in his mind.

He liked to keep track of things. It helped him.

So he was quite surprised to come home from a day spent with Vanya to find a mannequin in his room. Or rather, half a mannequin. It was ugly as hell, its torso riddled with what appeared to be gunshot holes. It was missing an arm and completely bald, and it's scuffed artificial face stared back at him unblinkingly. 

“What the hell?” He frowned, walking nearer to inspect it more closely. He had to admit that it was creeping him out slightly, the way it was just looking at him. He reached out and swiped a finger across a cheek, grimacing at the dust. Wherever it had come from, it had clearly been in storage for a while.

“Who brought you here?” He asked, and then realised that he was talking to an inanimate object, which no sane person did. Instead of pondering its existence any longer, he grabbed the thing by the neck and retreated back out his room.

“Hey Five” Luther greeted when he emerged into the courtyard. His brother was currently squatting over a flowerbed wielding a trowel, a line of dirt smeared across his forehead and a pile of weeds on the ground next to him.

“Hey” He replied, and then hauled the mannequin up into view. “What’s the deal with the creepy mannequin?”

Luther frowned, looking a little puzzled. “Dolores, I don’t think she’d appreciate being called creepy”

Five stared at Luther for a few seconds, glanced at the mannequin, and then looked back at his brother with disbelief.

“It’s a mannequin Luther, it’s not real” He said.

“I thought you’d be happy to see her” Luther said quietly, furrowing his eyebrows. “Thankfully they’d just put her in storage, although I got a few funny looks when I asked if I could take her. I think I might be on some sort of list now thanks to you”

Five opened his mouth to reply and then closed it with a shake of his head. His siblings could be so _strange_ sometimes, it was easier just to accept things than try and question their logic. Instead of engaging in the mind-numbing conversation any longer, he walked over to the bin and lifted the lid, tossing the mannequin inside.

“Whoa! Hey!” Luther yelled as he appeared into view, reaching inside and pulling it back out. “Please don’t do this Five”

“Do what?” He answered.

Luther shot him a dejected look, offering the mannequin back out towards him almost pleadingly. “Come on dude, it’s Dolores. You remember her right?”

He studied the mannequins face more closely. Its painted features were done in such a way that it held an almost eighties look, with its red smile and fake blue eyeshadow. There was something about its presence that made him ache in a way that made him feel both raw and vulnerable, the kind of ache that settled deep in his bones.

He hated feeling vulnerable.

“Tell me you remember her” Luther pressed gently.

“I don’t” He lifted the lid of the bin again, gesturing at it expectantly. “Just chuck it in Luther, it’s a useless piece of trash”

Luther’s face transformed into something so utterly crestfallen, worrying his lip to a point that it was now starting to look painful. His grip on the mannequin tightened, and then his face settled into a look of determination.

“No” He said.

“No?” Five questioned.

“No” Luther repeated. “You’re going to take her back upstairs and keep her”

“I don’t want to” He said rather petulantly.

“I know you don’t want to. But please, do it for me. It’ll make me happy if you do” Luther said softly.

Five heaved a sigh and rubbed a hand down his face. It was a lovely day today, sunny and warm. He wanted nothing more than to relax and enjoy some peace and quiet, he didn’t want to fight with his brother.

“This mannequin. Was it really that important to me?”

“Dolores. Her name is Dolores” Luther corrected. “And yes, she was. She was your companion for a long time, when you were alone in the apocalypse”

He remembered the apocalypse. He remembered being hunched around a fire, he remembered that feeling of cold desperation as yet another day passed, and if he thought hard enough, he could remember that there was a silent presence there with him. He couldn’t picture their face, but whoever they were, they made him feel safe. They helped him get through the horrors of the barren wasteland. 

“That was her?” He asked.

“Yeah” Luther breathed with relief.

“Oh” Five hummed, reaching out and taking hold of Dolores. Her body was plastic and cold, she was a mannequin after all. But there seemed to be a kind of comforting warmth that radiated from her. “I guess she can stay in my room for a bit, it might liven up the place”

Luther smiled as he brushed the mud off the knees of his jeans, and then tugged the gardening gloves off. “How about we get her back inside and then we can help mom with dinner, I bet you’re hungry”

“Sounds like a plan”  
  


* * *

  
“You’re lollygagging”

“Lollygagging” Klaus muttered under his breath with disbelief, still fussing with the laces on his shoes. He’d spent about ten minutes fretting in the academy hallway, and if Five was being honest, he was tempted to push him out the building himself.

“Fine. Dawdling. Ambling. Lingering. Take your pick. Either way it’s annoying, just go already” He rolled his eyes.

Klaus stretched back to his feet, picking up his bag and slinging it over his shoulder. “You sure you’ll be fine?”

“I’m not two Klaus, quit it with the babying. And besides, mom’s here” He gestured at the sitting room, where he could see their mother drifting around and delicately dusting the ornaments above the fireplace, humming pleasantly under her breath. 

Klaus pursed his lips, still looking unconvinced. 

“And besides, you’re only going to be gone for a few hours, there’s not much trouble I can get up to in that time” He added.

“Well. If the date goes well and one thing leads to another we mi-”

“Please don’t elaborate” He interrupted with a grimace. He loved his brother dearly, but he didn’t need to hear the frankly nauseating details of his sex life. “Let’s just say you might come back this evening, or it might be tomorrow morning. Either way, I’ll be fine”

Klaus sighed wordlessly. 

“I’ll be fine” He stressed with exasperation. “Seriously, don’t you trust me?”

“Of course I do” Klaus sighed, reaching out and ruffling his hair, much to his annoyance. “Well, how do I look?”

Five gave him a critical once over. His brother looked like a rainbow personified in his purple skirt and deep pink shirt, his fingernails painted silver and his hair tied back into a bun. On anyone else it would have looked ridiculous, but this was Klaus, and he looked so utterly and apologetically him. 

“You look good” He said.

“Good” Klaus repeated, winking a kohl-lined eye at him. “Well that’s ringing endorsement coming from you, thanks. Well, I’ll be off, I don’t want to be late”

“Yeah” He nodded, ignoring the slight feeling of anxiety that settled in the pit of his stomach. “Have fun. Try not to scare him off”

“Yeah, yeah. Love you too” Klaus called over his shoulder as he pulled the door shut.

Five stared at it for a few minutes. It was rather strange; he’d always been one to enjoy his own company, but as time went by he was beginning to detest it more. There was usually a sibling hanging around somewhere, but now that Luther had moved out it just left him and Klaus as the remaining Hargreeves siblings.

“Is everything okay Master Five?” Came a measured voice.

“Pogo” He greeted, turning to see him slowly making his way into the room, his cane tapping rhythmically on the hardwood floor. He came to a stop in front of him and glanced around them thoughtfully.

“You don’t realise how large this house is when there are so few people in it” He commented, eyes coming to rest on him. The fine silver hairs on his face caught the light, and Five was once again struck by how old he was starting to look; a strange juxtaposition to the Pogo he’d seen in Dallas.

“It’s…” He paused, trying to think of the word he wanted to say and frowning when he couldn’t recall it. “Empty” He settled on eventually. He wasn’t quite sure if he was describing the house or himself or both.

“Hmm. I guess it won’t be too long before it’s just us three” Pogo remarked, adjusting his glasses. “I was planning to look through some of your father’s paperwork. Would you perhaps like to join me?”

The last thing he wanted to do was tidy up after his dead father, but there wasn’t much he could do these days.

“Sure” He said instead.  
  


* * *

  
He frowned, drywipe pen hovering over the laminated A4 page stuck to the back of his door. There was already a tick next beside the reminder to brush his teeth, although he couldn’t for the life of him remember doing it. He was having a bad day today, his mind felt oddly murky and his brain felt like goo, his coordination awkward and clumsy.

He was having more of those bad days. He hated them.

“Have I already brushed my teeth?” He said, throwing Dolores a glance over his shoulder. She was sat on the chair beside his desk, dressed in a pale blue blouse with white flowers, a matching hat perched on her head. Klaus had picked out the outfit for her, and Five had to admit she looked beautiful in it.

He ran his tongue over his teeth absentmindedly, shrugging when everything felt clean.

Right. What was next on the list?

The floorboards outside his bedroom door squeaked, and then the silence of the door was interrupted by gentle rapping on the wood. “Hey Five? You in there?”

“Yeah” He called, pulling it open and peering out to find his smallest sister standing there. She had her violin case slung over her shoulder and was dressed smartly in dark trousers and a chequered shirt. He couldn’t quite remember her name, but he knew it would come to him in a few minutes, it always did.

“You look good today” He said.

“Oh, thanks!” She smiled, tugging off the case and setting it down gently on his desk. “I thought that I’d actually try and make an effort, you know, seeing as it’s my first official stint at first chair. Have you done your list?”

Five frowned in thought and quickly scanned it for the blue drywipe ticks. He’d made his bed. He’d showered. He’d dressed. He’d brushed his teeth.

“I haven’t brushed my hair yet” He acknowledged.

“Sit down, I’ll help you out” Vanya waved a hand, rummaging around in his desk for his comb. That was her name, _Vanya._ His tallest sister was Amanda and his smallest one was Vanya.

“I can do it myself, you know” He said. Amanda? _Amanda?_ Now that didn’t sound right. 

“I’m not saying you can’t Five, I just thought I’d give you a hand” She said, pulling him out of his thoughts. She held his chin steady with one hand and using the other to carefully run the comb through his hair. “How are your hands today? They still playing up?”

His hands had been playing up for quite some time now if he was being honest. They were twitchy and he was finding it hard to grip things. Writing had become quite difficult at this point, his handwriting reaching the point where it was being illegible, even to himself. Luther had bought him a typewriter, which was definitely a help.

“They’re fine” He answered.

“Well…that’s good at least, I’m glad they’re doing better” She said after a moments pause. “Hey, I dropped by because I wondered if you wanted to join me for practice? I know you like listening to me play”

“Yeah, that sounds good” He perked up, he did enjoy hearing her play – she was so incredibly talented. “Hey, can we stop by Griddy’s after?”

“You went to Griddy’s yester-” Vanya paused, a variety of expressions flashing across her face too quickly for him to identify. Eventually it settled on something between sadness and happiness. There was a smile on her lips, but her eyes were harrowed and empty, he didn’t like it when they looked like that. “Sure, we can go to Griddy’s after”

“Thanks” He nodded.

“No worries” Vanya placed the comb back in his desk drawer, pushing it shut. “Let’s get some shoes on you and we can get going”   
  


* * *

  
The academy felt like a shrine more than a home; a shrine to the past, a shrine to the life he once had.

When he first arrived back from the Commission it was like stepping back to the very day he left. He sometimes feels like the days drain away, one after another after another; like life itself has set itself into a faster pace, a pace he struggles to keep up with. But the academy stays the same, a sturdy constant in his otherwise rapidly changing life. He rarely left it nowadays, not without being chaperoned by someone, but thankfully it was a large building. 

He trailed a finger along the top of the panelling as he walked down the hallway, eyeing the posters stuck on the wall as he passed. He scrutinised one more closely, showing a cartoon of two children in cheery colours in the midst of grappling with each other. Under the drawing read the words ‘GOUGE’ in block lettering.

“Shouldn’t you be resting my dear”

“Morning mom”

Mom cocked her head to one side, one hand on her hip and the other waggling a finger at him. “I gave you strict orders to stay in bed today”

“I wanted to stretch my legs” He frowned.

“I know that” She said delicately, placing a hand on his shoulder and steering him back towards the sitting room. “But you really shouldn’t be up and about, not with your sprained ankle”

“It’s a sprained ankle, I can still walk on it” He muttered, but hobbled after her. It wasn’t even hurting that much anyway; he woke up yesterday with jellied legs and had a bit of tumble on his rug. His siblings, being overwhelmingly overprotective, were forcing him to wear an ankle support.

“Just because you can walk on it doesn’t mean you should” Mom chided, pushing him back down on his sofa. He grumbled but allowed her to fuss over him, watching as she pulled over an ottoman for him to rest his leg on “How are you feeling today my dear? I can detect that your heart rate is still slightly elevated”

“I’m fine” He groaned, already feeling twitchy. He hated being sat around, it felt like wasted time. 

“I think someone may be lying” She hummed, brushing the hair back from his face.

“How do you know?”

“A mom always knows” She said sweetly, pressing a kiss to his forehead. “I’ll sort you out something to eat, it is nearly lunchtime after all, and you need to take your medication. Do you have any preferences?”

“Can I have a fluffernutter?” He asked hopefully.

“Of course sweetheart” She smiled gently, straightening back up and retreating towards the kitchen. It was funny in a way, that the sound of The Handler’s stilettos induced a feeling of alarm, yet the sound of mom pottering about always made him feel calm.

The grandfather clock chimed one, and Five made the mental calculations in his head. Klaus said he’d be back home about six, so that was four hours left? Or was it five? Either way, he couldn’t wait for him to come back, it was rather boring by himself.   
  


* * *

  
“I wish I could have grown old with you” He says one morning.

Klaus paused in his ministrations; his right hand on Five’s jaw, tilting his head to the side, and the other hand clutching a razor. The shaving cream smeared across his face is uncomfortably cold in the dampness of the bathroom, and it’s weird that that’s a thing now, that he’s old enough to grow a beard. Although his body is physically sixteen (or was it seventeen?), so it’s more of a scruffy shadow than anything of note.

Either way, he hates the way it feels, and his family won’t allow him to use anything sharp because they don’t trust him, so it’s down to Klaus to get rid of it. He hates to admit it, but his brother does a rather good job.

“You are old” Klaus replied eventually, pulling the skin of his cheek taut and running the razor over the area carefully.

“You know what I mean shitheel” He rolled his eyes.

“You seem to be forgetting that I’m the one with the razor here, I could nick you for that” Klaus raised an eyebrow, waving the said razor in his direction. “And seriously, stop talking about yourself as if you’re already dead. It’s freaky. You've still got time left”

Klaus was right in a way, the doctors told him that the average life expectancy of someone with Alzheimer's disease was around eight to ten years. If he was like this now, he wondered what he would be like further down the line. Five hummed thoughtfully, watching as Klaus busied himself with cleaning the razor and placing it on the windowsill to dry. The engagement band on his finger caught the light, a ray of sunshine yellow in the otherwise dreariness of the room.

“When are you going to move in together?” He asked.

Klaus shrugged as he wrung a washcloth under the tap. “When the time is right”

“You’re engaged” Five snorted. “Seriously, I’d say that the relationship if far enough along for you to move in with him. I still can’t believe you managed to find someone that can put up with you”

“The whole moving in thing hasn’t come up” Klaus said, tossing him the washcloth as he leant back against the sink. Five caught it and scrubbed it over his face, wiping the leftover shaving cream off his skin.

“That sounds remarkably like bullshit” He commented, giving his brother a look. “What’s the real reason?”

“I’m not ready to move out yet” Klaus said without hesitation. He gave him a kind of one-shouldered shrug. “Maybe in the future, but for now I want to stay here. Thankfully he understands”

“You want to stay in this dingy old mansion? Willingly?” Five said, and then added. “Okay then weirdo”

Klaus didn’t answer; he just watched him silently with the hint of a listless smile on his lips. It confused him, his siblings all had that same expression whenever they looked at him. Like they wanted to cry. But he just couldn’t quite understand why.  
  


* * *

  
He knew, realistically, that things would be different following his diagnosis. He knew that things would have to change. That he would change. He was naive to believe otherwise.

He thought that not being able to spatial jump would be the thing that would hurt the most. He’d always enjoyed using his powers, more so than his siblings. They were an extension of his body and he’d used them without a second thought, so having that autonomy taken away from him was a shock to the system.

His rapidly increasing days of confusion were difficult to handle. One day he would be fine, and he could navigate the world with little confusion and difficulty. And then some days he couldn’t find the enthusiasm to get out of bed.

However, what hurt the most, were the words his sister uttered.

“I think I’m going to move back in” Vanya said quietly.

He froze, hidden around the doorway into the kitchen. It was 7am and he was still wearing his pyjamas. He had, after all, just rolled out of bed. His siblings had relocated his bedroom into dad’s old study downstairs, after he’d tried to navigate the stairs the other week and managed to tumble down them. Thankfully it only resulted in a bruise on his temple, but it was enough to give them a fright. He didn’t understand what all the fuss was about if he was being honest.

“Moving back home? Why?” Klaus asked, jolting his thoughts back to the present conversation. 

“You’ve seen how he is. How much he’s struggling” Vanya said, her voice raw. “I mean, it’s not far from where I work. And I know it’s not the same thing, but I used to help out Harlan, I’m good at caring for people. And when his condition gets worse I want to make sure that there’s someone around to help him”

“I’m here” Klaus said. “And there’s mom and Pogo too”

“I know you are” Vanya sighed. “And I know that mom helps out too. But it can’t be nice for you, being cooped up in the house”

“It’s not like I’m alone, Five’s here” Klaus said quietly. 

“Five’s different” Vanya replied.

“I know he’s getting more… _difficult_ …” Klaus swallowed audibly, “But he’s still our brother, and I love him just as much as I did before. Sure, he’s changed, but I still enjoy his company. It’s not like being here is a chore”

“You can’t put your relationship on hold, though. If I’m here I can help out with things, give you some free time. You could get some of your stuff moved over”

“I’m not moving out Vanya. Not yet” Klaus said evenly.

“But-”

“I’ve got to be here for him. And he’s a guy, you know. What happens when he gets to the point where he needs help getting dressed? Heck, getting washed? You know how proud he is, he’d be mortified to have you or mom do that”

“I hadn’t thought of that” Vanya murmured.

“Yeah” Klaus exhaled. “But if you still want to move back for a bit, you know I’d appreciate it. It would be just like old times”

“Yeah, just like old times” Vanya echoed hollowly.

And oh.

_Oh._

So that was the reason why Klaus didn’t want to move out.

Five didn’t hear the rest through the sound of blood rushing in his head. He felt dizzy and sick. And there was a horrible ache in his chest, like he had an empty cavity where his heart should be. Instead of interrupting their conversation, he retreated back to bed and curled up under the covers, closing his eyes.

The room was quiet, almost silent apart from the sound of birdsong filtering in through the ajar window. Laying there, cocooned in the warmth of his comforter, he could almost pretend that everything was okay.  
  


* * *

  
The concept of memento mori had always fascinated him. A physical reminder that one would die, a symbolic reminder of the inevitability of death, a token of someone’s life to leave behind to a loved one. The meaning had changed slightly in the nineteenth century, and it wasn’t unusual for one to wear a piece of mourning jewellery in memory of the deceased, as if a person could be encapsulated by a material object.

He often thought he walked hand in hand with death. His father saw him as a machine for war. The Commission as the trigger of the gun. Not to mention the fact that he’d spent forty-five years of his life surrounded by the decay of the world he inhabited.

He oozed death from his very being. It clung to him like a second skin. He was sure he stunk of it, that the blood on his hands had soaked in and tainted his core.

He scanned the paper piles scattered across his bed; the sheets covered densely in neatly typed writing. He grabbed the nearest one and managed to persuade it into the A4 envelope, licking the adhesive strip and pressing the opening closed. Across the front he wrote ‘DIEGO’ in block lettering as neatly as his trembling hand would let him. The main bulk of the letters were typed, but it felt more personal to write their names in his hand. 

Six years had passed since his diagnosis, and he wasn’t quite sure what to think about it. If he was being honest, he felt like he was incapable of thinking at this point. Everything felt numb.

He closed the next envelope, writing the word ‘VANYA’ across the front.

Speaking of which, she was moving back to the academy in two days’ time to be his carer. They’d broken the news to him over dinner yesterday. He decided not to tell them that he’d overheard the conversation in the kitchen. He also decided not to mention that he didn’t want his siblings to care for him.

They deserved better than that.

They shouldn’t have to put their lives on hold for him.

Allison’s envelope was next. Then Klaus’. And finally, Luther’s. He’d also written a short one for Claire too, he had a distinct feeling that would make Allison happy. He’d typed a special one for Dolores as well, and he hoped that one of his siblings would read it to her.

Once done, he placed them down on his desk; down beside the notebook in which he had detailed accessing his Commission pension, down beside the six packets of paracetamol he was planning on swallowing later that evening.

He didn’t have many possessions to leave behind. He didn’t have the ornate mourning jewellery or the symbolic paintings, but he did have his words – and they would be his memento mori.


End file.
